Thursday, December 29, 2011

I debated on posting this...

I obviously choose to do it. I wrote this paper for my English class. I remember him sitting there on his recliner chair late at night watching television with the volume as loud as it possible could go. Maybe it was to drown out the sound of us four children. The constant call for my mother to get him a drink or to get him some food would make us all turn our heads. He was a quiet man, but when he spoke, we all listened. There was no question of when he was mad; you ran the other way as fast as you could. He never did engage much in my childhood. I remember thinking how odd it was that he was going to school to become a teacher when he hardly ever focused on my studies. It seemed the television held a much greater interest to him. Maybe he was just tired after all; he was going to school, holding a full time job sometimes two, to keep our family running. Maybe his lack of engagement into my life was just that, he was trying to make sure I had what I needed to stay engaged. The perception I had of my father, as I grew up changed, but after his passing in May 2010, I knew my father more than I ever had. After my father received his degree in education, he seemed to be gone more than ever before. I often wondered why he sat at school all night. Could a teacher possibly have that much work to do? I thought it seemed strange, and at times, wondered if it was just an excuse to not come home to his family. There was no doubt in my mind that my father cared and loved us; I just often wondered if he knew how to show it. I had now grown older and my high school was far behind me. My father, who seemed to be at his work far more than his home, let me drop out of high school. I never understood how a man, who said he cared so much about education, let his own daughter drop out of school. My reasoning for dropping out of high school far exceeded just the lazy teen who did not want to go to school. I was not into drugs, I did not drink, and I was not pregnant. I had issues far beyond that and my issues were emotional having lost a close friend pass away tragically. Maybe I misjudged my father, maybe, just maybe he knew exactly what he was doing. Maybe he knew me better then I knew myself back then. Maybe he knew it would work out if he let me get out of the one struggle I had in my life. As I grew older, got married, and had a family of my own, my father remained teaching at the same school. Not much changed either; he still stayed at the school all hours of the night. My mom still got his dinner when he got home, and he still watched television on his recliner as loud as it could be. He never change really with one exception, he was an amazing grandfather. I think my father went to more of my children’s school functions then mine. I think he interacted more with them then he ever did as I was a child and you could see the love in his eyes. It was my Dad’s long eight month battle with esophageal cancer when I learned more about him then I ever knew. As I watched my, now frail Dad sit in his bed, whether he was at the hospital or at home, he was surrounded by little notes given to him by his students and co-workers. It was his fight to get back to school and be with his students that made him gain strength. It was his track team that got him through the last few months and getting to see the trophy his debate team won just a day prior to his passing. With each day, week, and month that passed he had one remaining goal in mind, to see his students, to be with his class, and to be doing what he loved most, teaching. I remember getting mad at my father for wanting to work while he was so frail and sick. I told him he needed to stop, gain his strength and get better, and that his students were just fine without him. He disagreed with me and went back to school every chance he got. It was my father’s last day here on earth when I started to understand the big picture. It was when all his colleagues old and new came pouring in to say good-by to my Dad. It was the school janitors that came to say how much they loved him, and how he helped them by just his kindness. It was when two old students came to see him, and one of them became a teacher and was substituting for my father while he was ill. It was their stories of my Dad, who was this guy I never knew. It was all the kids who gave me hugs, told me stories of my father, and cried when they heard he was gone forever. It was the Mother and daughter who came to his school because she knew I was going to be there; to tell me thanks for having such a great father. That he had helped her daughter through some of the hardest times of her life. It was the story that my Dad would help all the kids that needed help, the kids that struggled, and the kids which no other teacher could reach. It was the story that my Dad secretly bought a boy shoes because his parents could not afford them due to his Dad losing his job. It is the bench that now sits outside the school building where my Dad taught in his memory. Standing on that church pew talking about my Dad at his funeral, I instantly became proud to be his daughter. Looking out and seeing all the young faces of the kids my Dad had touched moved me. My father knew all along he had instilled more in me then I ever knew. He knew I would be fine and make things happen for me. He knew I did not need him at all my school functions or sports events. He knew others needed him more than we did. He knew he needed to help kids that didn’t have a Dad like mine.

If you would have told me...

If you would have told me that last year would be the last Christmas with my Dad, I would not have changed a thing. It was a good Christmas.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

This I Believe...

I believe motherhood is the hardest job a human being can have. Motherhood is not giving birth; it is when having a child turns your world upside down. Life, as you have come to know it, no longer exists, and your perspective on the world is changed forever. It starts when nothing matters more then this small, innocent, child you have graciously and courageously brought into this chaotic world. Motherhood begins when you have untiring sacrifice, untold influence, unfailing faith, and undying love. Motherhood is the greatest sacrifice. You no longer worry about yourself, the things you want or can't do. These take a back seat because your child’s needs always come first. That trip you wanted to take, the outfit you always wanted, or the sports car you can no longer fit a car-seat in, has now become nothing more then a washed away silly dream. Your time, money, and desires are now filled with changing diapers, carpooling, appointments, practice, homework, cooking, and other motherly duties. Most of all, making sure they have food on the table, a roof over their head, and are as healthy as a child can be. The desires you have now are to see them grow, succeed in life, and be happy. Your actions now, being mother, are more important and have more impact. Your actions shape future generations and have a larger impact on the world. How you are as a mother, a neighbor, a friend, a wife, is placed under a microscope and watched very carefully. Your child idolizes who you are and will want to become just like you. You are a super hero and do great and wonderful things such as make ouch-ies go away, bedtime tuck-ins, throw great birthday parties, rides to the mall, pay for their college, and baby-sit their children. You wear an "S" on your chest, even when at times; you feel it is not there. Your actions have a lasting effect on them that one day, they too, may wear an "S" on their chest, because great mothers, raise great mothers. No matter how bad the world is, no matter how bad your child makes mistakes; you always have faith in them. You know they will stumble, you know they will make mistakes, but they know you will always be there for them. You will pick them up when they stumble, brush them off, and tell them to do it again, because you have faith. When they make mistakes, you will tell them they were wrong, you will help them fix it, and you will make sure they know you still love them, because you have faith. You have more faith in your child then you do in all of humanity. The strongest love, the undying kind, is that of my children. There is no one on Earth I will ever love more, would ever do more for, or would ever give up so much for. I am now more vulnerable, more scared, when I send my children out into the world. I have never had a stronger heartache as when they hurt, because seeing them in pain, is far more painful then anything I have ever felt. I never feel as connected, so together as one, as I do with my children. A mother’s love, long after they are gone, will linger in their heart far deeper then anyone. A mother’s love will live on in them, and in their children, and in theirs. It is a life cycle of undying love that will never end with me, this I believe.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

My Dad's Eulogy

It was a monumental year in history for our Country; February 27, 1945. Robert Banks Lindsay was born to Ezra Reed and Marva Banks Lindsay in Salt lake City, Utah. Next to all the illustrious events of that year the birth of one small child, it would seem, would be very insignificant. His world would consist of education, travel, education, family, and education. One can see a reoccurring pattern here. To prove a point, his first TV program was “The State of the Union Address” given by Harry S. Truman. As the years continued he found he could take on anything his mom insisted he learn: Dance classes Playing the clarinet Foreign language Studies Scouts (getting his eagle at 11) Football (not mom’s choice) ROTC (not her choice either) Finally, after years of making sure he accomplished what was asked of him, he graduated from East High School. Now, the hard choices were to be made…where to go from here. His first option was taking the appointment he received to West Point or serving an LDS mission. Ok I need to back track that would come after studies at Kings College in England, the University of Innsbruck in Austria, and University of Mexico in Mexico City. There was really no choice to be made, a LDS mission was his next adventure of his life. Robert received his call and away he went to serve the Lord in Southern Germany. He had the pleasure of being the cook and chauffeur for President Ezra Taft Benson whenever he came to Germany. When it was time to return home, yet another event changed his life and he would be asked to stay and help open the Italian Mission. After 3 years of serving, he returned home with well deserved pride. Again, decisions were going to have to be made; where to attend college?! Now, if you know Robert at all I could stop the story here. Obviously, He chose The University of Utah. GO UTES! Robert began his college experience studying Business Administration while also playing football and marching in the school’s band. However, he was about to be detoured by another set of events. He met a young woman, Mary Wegloski. After finishing their first date, Robert knew he was going to spend the rest of his life with her, telling his mother he knew she was “the one”. Little did Mary know, she was hooked for life. They were married August 18, 1969 and later solemnized their marriage in the Salt Lake City Temple. From there, it was a routine of school and work. That is, until Mary made the unexpected announcement they were going to be having their first child, Adam Banks Lindsay. Although unplanned, they knew they could make it work. Robert was then left with more choices, following hard decisions. He decided to leave school and become self-employed. He started up his own business being a contractor and realtor. This career path continued through three more children, Callin Reed, Amanda Marie, and Melissa Michelle. Within a short time, the couple of two was transformed into a family of six. These four children then, unknowingly, prompted his next career choice. As his children grew older, he began coaching them in all their desired activities, football, basketball, and baseball. From there, he spent countless hours coaching, not only his children, but hundreds of others. He also stood by Mary’s side as she pursued her dream of running her own dance studio. Hand in hand, they traveled throughout the Pacific Coast with her company. Backtracking a little, Robert’s mother was a school teacher. She wanted nothing more than for Robert to follow in her footsteps and begin teaching himself. Robert was not so enthused by the idea. However, after being given an opportunity to teach his son at the private school, he decided to retire from building, and give it a try. With teaching, he continued to coach where he took the baseball team to state, taking second. After a few years of both, he had found his passion. He then made another life-changing decision, and went back to school where he received his degree in Secondary Education. With that, he started his public teaching career at Wasatch Jr. High, where he spent the next 20 years of his life teaching and coaching. There, he taught Math and U.S. History while also starting the school’s first wrestling team, coached track, cross country, basketball, and even the academic team. His awards and acknowledgements are far too numerous to list. Robert not only lived to coach, he also had a passion for educating the young adults around him, instilling knowledge, core values, and love for learning. His success is well succeeded. Robert, or Mr. L as he was fondly known, was loved and respected by both colleagues and students. Aside from his professional life, Robert’s personal life persisted of raising his four children. Like his students, he raised his children to become productive, honest, adults. One of his most recent joys in life was spending time and being involved with his 13 grandchildren who looked up to and loved him unconditionally. This August, Mary and Robert would have celebrated their 42nd Anniversary where, without a doubt, there would have been many more to follow. Robert lived a life of integrity, honesty, incredible work ethic, unconditional love, and humility. He will be missed by everyone he knew, for he touched every heart in which he met. He will be mostly missed by his wife, children, and grandchildren. Robert, you are a special person who leaves behind an amazing legacy, and who, as one small child, had no idea the impact you would have on so many lives. You will be in our thoughts and hearts, forever and always.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Making It Count

What would you do if you knew you only had a short time to live? I guess you could call it a "Bucket List". I have tried to think about this, since I may just have a short amount of time left with my dad. I have decided it didn't matter what we do, just make it count. I wish he had the strength to go do some crazy stuff, but for now we will do the simple things, like learn ASL together or go to a movie. I would love some great ideas to be able to spend time with him. What would you do with your dad? It's been a hard week for me, harder then I thought it would. I honestly don't feel sorry for me, I mostly feel sorry for him. The pain he must feel everyday and the thoughts that must be going through his head. I feel sorry for my kids who will probably have a hard time remembering him. They love my parents to death and to think that they won't remember that kills me. I feel sorry my dad will never get the chance to see my kids grow up, what kind of kids they turn out to be, and how Eric and I raised them. So he could be proud of his daughter that raised so many great children. I feel sorry for my mom, who has to see his pain everyday and try to stay positive though it is probably killing her inside. I am sad that he never got the chance to walk me down the isle with my soul mate. I am sad I wanted to wait until our 10 years to re due our voes so he could. I hate seeing my family in pain and sadness. I feel like I should be strong for them, because that is who I am. I want to take the wheels and steer the train on the less painful path for all of them. I can't change these things I want to, but I will do all my power to make sure I get a few things right. I will make sure we stay a family and will never let that slip. I will make sure that even if he can't be here, he will still be proud of me and his grandchildren, because I will be a better parent then he was, because that is what he wanted me to be, as my children will do the same. I will be a better sister and make sure my family knows I love them. I will make sure my mother never gets lonely and knows she always has us. I will make sure to make every moment count! I will squeeze my kids a little tighter, hold my husband a little closer, and make sure the people I love know I love them. I will make sure my family spends as much time as we can with my dad, just Making It Count.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

My Heart Hurts...

My dad's cancer is now un-opritable. They will try one more round of chemo to slow or kill it but it has now travled to his lymphnods. They are saying 6 months if the chemo does not work and 12 if it does. It just hurts so bad. I don't have that much more to say, other then it hurts...