Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Making It Count

What would you do if you knew you only had a short time to live? I guess you could call it a "Bucket List". I have tried to think about this, since I may just have a short amount of time left with my dad. I have decided it didn't matter what we do, just make it count. I wish he had the strength to go do some crazy stuff, but for now we will do the simple things, like learn ASL together or go to a movie. I would love some great ideas to be able to spend time with him. What would you do with your dad? It's been a hard week for me, harder then I thought it would. I honestly don't feel sorry for me, I mostly feel sorry for him. The pain he must feel everyday and the thoughts that must be going through his head. I feel sorry for my kids who will probably have a hard time remembering him. They love my parents to death and to think that they won't remember that kills me. I feel sorry my dad will never get the chance to see my kids grow up, what kind of kids they turn out to be, and how Eric and I raised them. So he could be proud of his daughter that raised so many great children. I feel sorry for my mom, who has to see his pain everyday and try to stay positive though it is probably killing her inside. I am sad that he never got the chance to walk me down the isle with my soul mate. I am sad I wanted to wait until our 10 years to re due our voes so he could. I hate seeing my family in pain and sadness. I feel like I should be strong for them, because that is who I am. I want to take the wheels and steer the train on the less painful path for all of them. I can't change these things I want to, but I will do all my power to make sure I get a few things right. I will make sure we stay a family and will never let that slip. I will make sure that even if he can't be here, he will still be proud of me and his grandchildren, because I will be a better parent then he was, because that is what he wanted me to be, as my children will do the same. I will be a better sister and make sure my family knows I love them. I will make sure my mother never gets lonely and knows she always has us. I will make sure to make every moment count! I will squeeze my kids a little tighter, hold my husband a little closer, and make sure the people I love know I love them. I will make sure my family spends as much time as we can with my dad, just Making It Count.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

My Heart Hurts...

My dad's cancer is now un-opritable. They will try one more round of chemo to slow or kill it but it has now travled to his lymphnods. They are saying 6 months if the chemo does not work and 12 if it does. It just hurts so bad. I don't have that much more to say, other then it hurts...